Each Day Counts

The kids went home today...

For the last six days I had my children staying with me.  For some unknow and unquestioned reason my ex-wife actually allowed that to happen.  For six days we explored, ate fun food, laughed, played and learned together.  It was the most beautiful stretch of time that I can recall experiencing in quite a while.

But today it sure hurts.  I wanted to cry when I dropped them off but I held it together.  It is amazing how two little tiny people can make such a huge difference by just being themselves.  They are crazy, messy, curious and sometimes they get under my feet but I love every second of it.  They are the reason why I have to make this mess of a life that I have work out for the best.  They need me and I know that because Lauren always tells me that she needs her daddy.  I have to fight like hell for her no matter what.  I love to teach her things.  She just started a Flickr account and she loves taking photos.  She would love if you took some time to look at her shots and maybe comment.  Click here to check out her work.  I think she is doing great for being 10!  There is a link to her account in my link section as well so you can see her work as it evolves.

Those of you that have your children every day are really blessed.  I am exhausted and my body will probably crash soon but I am so damn happy.  I have a head full of memories and a heart full of joy and I am walking on air.  Life is good today.  Today counts.

Make some time for your kids this weekend.  Take them to see "How to Eat Fried Worms" and just laugh with them.  The kids, Megan and I made a family trip to the theater today to see it and it was hilarious!  The kids loved it.  It is so beautiful to watch them when they are just lost in the little moments that the freedom of childhood brings.

Have a great day wherever you are in this big world and try to find some time to just breathe and smile.  Take a deep breath during a long workday or just give someone an extra long hug.  Hugs are good for the soul.  I firmly believe that.

Thank you for letting me crawl into your head for a few minutes today.  I needed to convey these emotions.

Smile today!

Willie Nelson, Ice Cream and Passion

It is Sunday morning and I am sitting in my office with the girls and we are listening to Willie Nelson.  So many other kids would never sit and listen to Willie but they seem to understand that this music does something special for me.  They listen to so many types of music and that makes me so proud.  Lauren will even sit and close her eyes once in a while to really understand the lyrics and I love to watch her do that.

I closed my eyes a few times on Thursday night as I watched Willie live.  He was amazing live and the music really made me feel alive and for the couple hours that he sang, I wasn't sick anymore.  I didn't feel any pain.  I just listened and watched that little old hippie touch everyone there in one special way or another.  There were little old ladies there that just broke out in dance and old men that looked like they had lived every word of every song that was sung.  But there were also younger folks like Meg and I that just needed to be there.  It was really the most beautiful show that I have ever gone to and I have been to so many.  You know, if I never see another live show I will be fine with that.  Willie made my night on Thursday and the memories of that night will live with me forever.

I hope Megan knows that buying me those tickets was like buying me a little bit more hope and inspiration. 

A few words for Megan:
Thank you very much Megan.  I don't know how you understand me so damn well.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you live in my heart.  I still feel like I did about you from the start.  Thank you for putting me back together so many times when I just didn't have the strength to do it alone.  Thank you for telling me that this is all just a battle that we will learn from.  Thank you for believing in me and for feeding my soul.  I love you baby angel.  I will love you forever.

Has anyone ever done something so special for you that it still makes you happy to think about?  Have you ever done anything that special for someone else?

Enjoy the rest of this holiday weekend.  Today I need to rest a bit.  I feel good and it is great to have the girls here but I am pretty tired.  I had a pretty rough night last night and did not get much rest  but I will be just fine.  Maybe I need an afternoon in the park.  Maybe a big messy ice cream cone will make everything a little better.  That always works for the kids.

Smile today!  Life is going to be just fine!

The Murse and Man Boobs

My friends and even my lovely wife have been complaining lately that the backpack that I have been carrying looks like I should be on some sort of Mt. Everest type climbing excursion.  I'll admit, it is a bit huge but it holds the massive amount of medicine that I carry around every day so I have not had a problem with it.  But today I buckled under the weight of all the peer pressure and promised to use the larger bag for well...Mt. Everest type climbing excursions and I scoured every local shop that I could think of until I found what I thought was the perfect compact bag to carry all my crap in.

So, my good buddy Clark comes over tonight and looks at my new bag and says, "dude, you bought a murse!"  To that I say, "Clark, what the hell is a murse?"  He then explains that what I think is the ultimate compact carrying bag for my iPod, meds, phone, Moleskine notebook, pill cutter and wallet is actually nothing more than a man purse.  When my lovely young wife saw the "murse" she was cool with it but said that I should not wear it like a messenger bag with the strap across my chest because that would enhance my moobs.  Those of you that have read this for a while probably recall reading about moobs which are of course man boobs.

I can't make these people happy.  I give up.  I'm going to take my murse and my man boobs and parade all over downtown with my Chihuahua just to drive them crazy!

Seriously, if you are a blog reader, there is a good chance that you also are into tech gear like me.  That is the real reason that I am writing this post.  If you need a compact, strong bag with a waterproof liner check out the Timbuk2 Metro by clicking here.  Who cares if you are a man or a woman!  Who cares if you have moobs or boobs!

Have a good night folks and if you cant sleep click here to check out a site that will teach you how to stay up late and make all sorts of strange and wonderful crap!

Smile and have some fun!

Big Willie!

Tomorrow night is the big night!  I will see one of my favorite artists live and in person and I am very excited.  I wrote here after my wedding in April that my lovely bride bought me tickets to see Willie Nelson as a wedding gift.  She is so supportive!  It will be like forcing her to eat glass to get her to sit through the Willie show but she will do it and she will see me truly happy and she will enjoy that.  We both love seeing one another totally happy.  Her pretty eyes sparkle when she is happy.  About a month ago I sat through a Michael Bolton concert for her and that actually turned out to be a decent show.  Her eyes sparkled for that.  I really hope that she enjoys this just a bit.

In regard to health; I am feeling pretty good.  I have been very tired but that just sort of comes with the medication and illness.  I am excited about better possibilities but I know that I need to still be very careful and not get all crazy and do too much too fast.  That would only make me more of a mess.

I hope to check back here very soon.  I have my angels this weekend and I look forward to that very much.  Ice cream cones here we come!  Maybe I will have more pictures to share after the weekend.  We just set up a Flickr account for Lauren and she wants to take some shots to fill it up a bit.  She has a great eye!  I'll link to her account soon.

Have a wonderful rest of the week out there and do something exciting!  I am so excited about seeing Willie!  Right now I have 96 of his tracks shuffling on my iPod!  I can't wait to bust out a killer tie-dye shirt and some sandals and just enjoy his amazing work.  His music has always touched me.  Seeing him will certainly make that day count!  Thank you Megan!  I love you!

Smile today!

What I have been reading on the web...

I have been hooked on Lifehacker.com ever since they showed me how to kill the ants on my front porch with baby powder!  (No more clouds of Raid in my lungs!)  They update their blog several times every day with information relating to the web, computer issues and just everyday life enhancing ideas.

Now this is why I like blogging!  I'd love to hear about sites that you have to share!  I will put a link to LifeHacker in my "Worth a Visit" column!

Have a good day out there!  I might just be back later!

Trying this one more time...

Readers of this blog are probably tired of me moving it all over the web.  But here I am doing it one more time.  As you can see, I have updated the look a bit and I will add some new features and links in the near future.  I am not really sure why I am messing with it so much.  I am just restless I guess.  Maybe my life is reflecting on my writings.  Lately my life has been all over the place.  I have had all sorts of ups and downs.

As for health, I need to thank everyone out there for riding the wave of my last procedure with me.  There was good news and bad news and that was so much better than just the bad news that I am used to hearing.

The bad news is that one of my bile ducts has totally stopped working.  In addition to that, my spleen is in bad shape.  It is very enlarged and is causing some pressure on my colon and one of my kidneys.  But the good news is that there is a whole new piece that is growing on my liver and that is great.  According to my doctors, I may have some more time to live before I am faced with a liver transplant.  The fact that I will need a liver transplant does not change however.  Thankfully though, I may have more time and more time means more kissing Megan and more holding my daughters.  More time also means more time with my friends and more time to read and write.  More time means that I get the opportunity to live a longer life and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So keep surfing by here once in a while if you have some spare time and see how my funny life is taking shape.  I will be out here in California doing what I can to keep my head above water.  I will be trying to take all this in and I will trying to figure out what direction that I will take in my life from here.  I am not sure if things will change around here.  I would still like to take Meg and Tinkerbell and move closer to a beach and I would still like to sell a few words one day.

Life is so odd.  We only have one chance at making a go of it and we all want it to be great.  But just be careful.  You never know when something will happen all of a sudden that just rocks you.  Just make sure that when you get shaken up that you do it while you are living a life that makes you happy.

Thank you again for reading this and trust me this time.  Each Day Counts will stay right here at Typepad and it will be updated almost everyday.  That is my promise to you.  I will do whatever I can to keep that promise.

Life lessons at the fair

This post will be something new for me. I will be trying to ‘kill two birds with one stone.’ What I mean is that this post will be featured on www.eachdaycounts.com (my personal blog) and at www.modestofamous.com.

So here we go...

Yesterday I took my children to the fair and I learned quite a bit about the little beauties. For instance, Gracie, my five year-old who I could not get to take a shower alone six months ago for fear of drowning seems to have become a little daredevil. Watching her break free of her fears was a beautiful site. Watching her laugh while on the very top of the largest ferris wheel at the fair was very inspiring to me.

As for Lauren, my 10 year-old, I learned that she is still young enough to have a bit of fun with her aging Dad without worrying about the “cool” factor. But I know that in just a couple of years there will be no way in the world for me to get her to wear a goofy hat in public without worrying about being seen by a friend.

I savored every second with my girls yesterday and I let them sleep in today until noon because they were so worn out when they fell asleep last night. Being a part-time dad is rough and it is very, very difficult for me because of my health. I fear that I won’t get to see them grow up but more than that I fear that they won’t have great memories of me.

If I can’t get to the point where I get my liver transplant, I don’t want them thinking about what could have been. I want them to look back and think about that day when I went on the giant slide with them at the fair and let them do and eat just about whatever the heck that they wanted. I want them to learn from me that every day should be lived like tomorrow might not come. I want them to enjoy life and treasure every second that they have.

I’d like to thank Penny and Courtney at The Stanislaus County Fair for allowing us ice cream bars and water and a place for us to rest when I felt tired. I would also like to thank my in-laws for making the trip with us so special.

But most of all I would like to thank Lauren and Gracie for showing their daddy how to smile and laugh no matter how I feel and for making every day for me worth living even though there are some days when I just don’t want to fight anymore.

Love your kids today and hold them close to you. Let them eat something crazy and let them lose control a bit. They need to do those things just as much as we do.

Smile today!

Ruben/Mojo

I am still ok...

So I took over a month off from this project and I am sorry for that.  I know that there are so many of you out there that care and worry and I am deeply sorry for making you worry.  My life has been strange lately and I guess that I just needed to take a deep breath and hold it for a while.

I spent a few days on a beach, worked with ModestoFamous.com a great deal, took some photos and caught a few concerts.  Now I am back and I feel good. I feel revived a bit and a bit more in control than I did before I walked away.

My next cancer follow-up is on 08/18 and I have faith that I will be ok.  This will be year three of the five that I have to be cancer free to qualify to get on the list for a liver transplant.  This whole living on borrowed time thing is so hard for me.  People tell me just to relax and enjoy my life but they don't walk in my shoes.  I still face issues with my children, money, education and employment.

I am 31 years old and facing an early death.  That is my reality no matter how I look at it.  Getting married was probably not the smartest thing to do but I love her so much.  I need her so much.  But my life is taking a huge toll on hers and it hurts me to see her in pain and stressed about what happens next in her life.  She is too young to deal with all of this crap.  She is only human but she carries the weight of a thousand men on her shoulders.

So that is where I am at at this point.  I feel great to still be alive and thriving in the midst of this health crisis but I am scared.  Maybe you don't know how scared that I am.  Maybe I don't truly understand my situation like I thought that I did.  Maybe I choose to ingnore the true magnitude of what is happening inside of me.

I hope that everyone out there is doing well.  I hope that each and every one of you still has hope and faith and that you have the chance to feel passion.  Having a passion for living is a wonderful thing.

Smile today.

-Ruben

Tech updates

This is probably the last thing that you want to read but sometimes I have to post this stuff. I have made a few simple changes that I want you to be aware of.





1.) The link that says, "Subscribe to this blog's feed" (right above the green music box) is now attached to Feedburner, a FREE service that will be awesome at letting you know what the heck I am up to. Subscribe to my little blog to receive updates when I post. It is easy and you won't get spam.

2.) Mercora music search will allow you to search for tracks to play while you read. They don't have a huge selection yet, but with 2,000,000 titles, there has to be something that you can groove too. It is also FREE. Free is good. I like free! :-)

3.) Technorati search will actually let you search this blog. Let's say that you are trying to read my thoughts on monkeys or ass. Sadly, I have probably written about both. Just type in a term and presto chango - your results will magically appear. I cannot however promise that the results will be magically delicious!

4.) The blue box for Google and Firefox has been up for a while. If you click it and download Firefox (which is awesome and speedy and possibly magically delicious) I will get one whole American dollar! Sweet! Click it 150,000 times and that new liver is mine baby!

----Legal disclaimer:

I can't help you with doctors bills for sore thumbs, index finger damage or eye problems. Sorry. If I could, I would but my lawyers, Scheister, Conmana and Ripoffski won't allow it. Damn lawyers!

Pride and Sleep

I seem to have slept the last few days away again. I mean, I have been awake but at the same time, I have been pretty cloudy. Actually, I have slept a great deal. I can tell that Meg wants to look at me and say, "What the hell is wrong with you now?" But she just does her best to support me instead. I must be quite the pain in the ass to live with! I would love to tell her how I feel but I am not sure if I know.

Maybe it is all just too confusing anymore. I hurt and that is an issue but that is not the main issue right now. At least I don't think it is. So what is it? What I am struggling with now? Am I just playing another round of tug-of-war with my own emotions? Damnit! I am so tired of being so lost!

When will I finally reach the beautiful river at the edge of this dark forest? When will I be able to sit on the beach and look back and appreciate the battle and all that it taught me?

For now I will rest. I will rest and write and read and pray. I seem to pray more and more lately. Is someone listening? I am not a religious man. Should I be? Will someone listen if I am not?

The above photo is a mix of a a few from the San Francisco Pride celebration that we volunteered at over the weekend. It was amazing. The colors formed a rainbow that could not be shattered by hate or fear and the people there basked in whatever love kept them happy. For more photos click here.

I will go now and do what I do. I am getting tired again even though I have slept most of the day away already. Have some fun today. Find a light quickly if the darkness comes. Make a dream come true. Laugh. Love. Live. Learn. Smile.

Be blessed today.